I told myself that I would know I was getting better when I started to be able to write again. And so here I am. I don’t know if I’m actually getting that much better, but maybe psychologically, if I force myself to write, it will help bring me back the rest of the way.
I’ve been dealing with health issues. I ended up in a dark spiral of fatigue and depression. I lacked all motivation and energy. I couldn’t complete tasks. I was always living in with my brain in a fog. I couldn’t sleep, but I needed to. Even when I did sleep, I woke up exhausted.
It took months before I was able to admit to Will that I wasn’t handling things, that I did need help. I thought I could fight through the fatigue on my own – I’ve been dealing with it for years. But then I realized I had crossed over into depression. I realized that I was unhappy, and miserable, and I took no pleasure from anything in life. Will hadn’t realized it was getting that bad for me. I think he still doesn’t quite understand. He kept telling me to call the doctor and get some bloodwork done, to see if we could figure out what was causing all this. He didn’t understand that I couldn’t overcome my inertia enough to even make that phone call. Eventually though, he did it for me.
And it turns out I have vitamin D deficiency. That’s it. It seems almost trivial to write that. Yeah, I just needed a vitamin, that makes it all better.
It’s not that simple, of course. I’m taking a massive weekly dose of vitamin D, plus a daily multivitamin. I’m getting more sleep. I’ve changed my eating habits to make sure I’m eating every 2-3 hours, to keep my blood sugar level. I’m turning off all electronics at 9:00 so that I can go to be at 10:00 and actually fall asleep. I’ve re-introduced fish and chicken into my diet.
Slowly, I’m getting better. I can feel myself improving. My hair isn’t falling out in clumps anymore, and I have the energy to do things around the house and take Willow on outings. But if I exercise, I’m fatigued for days afterwards. Will keeps telling me to ride my bike more (before the weather gets impossibly hot), but when I do, I feel like I’m taking a step backwards in my recovery.
I’m working on it though. I’m also working on dealing with a little bit of anger. Over a year ago, I had a physical with bloodwork. And the doctor never shared the results with me, so I assumed everything was fine. At that time, what they failed to tell me, was that not only was I vitamin D insufficient, just a step above the deficiency I’m being treated for, but my levels were so depleted that I was literally .01ng/ml above deficiency. I can’t help but think that if they had just told me that, I would have started taking vitamin D supplements way back then, and I wouldn’t have spent the past several months suffering and miserable.
But I can’t go back and change that, so I’m trying to just focus on now. I’m just focusing on healing myself, so that I can be healthy again for my family.