I think I’ve become weak and lazy.
I don’t try hard anymore. I don’t try to accomplish things. I stick with whatever is easiest.
This blog, for example. When I started it, my goal was to get my creative juices flowing and write five minutes a day. Five minutes is nothing. I did it easily. I eventually evolved into writing longer pieces less often, but I did maintain the blog. But I’ve become lazy and have hardly written lately, even though i love writing.
I don’t workout. For awhile, I was biking a lot I was using my bike as my primary method of transportation and took a great deal of pride in seeing how long the car could stay parked in the carport, but now that it is approximately one billion degrees outside, I’ve retired my bike for the summer and I drive everywhere. I want to do yoga. I’d really like to do it a couple of times a week. In my ideal world, I wake up with Will each morning, and I do a half hour of yoga while he showers, and then I take a shower (one of us needs to be available to catch Mellow when she gets up, otherwise, Will would not factor into my morning yoga plans at all), and sit down to a cup of tea by myself until the kids get up. In reality, Will wakes up, showers, leaves for work, and hopefully doesn’t wake the rest of us on his way out. I’m too lazy and unmotivated to get up sooner.
I don’t eat well. Last year, when we became vegan-at-home, our meals took time and planning and we learned a lot and experimented with new recipes. Now I lack motivation to cook. We re-introduced fish into our diet, and now I find myself pulling fish fillets out of the freezer on a regular basis because it is easy and requires no thought at all (and the kids both eat them, which is rare for a meal). Today for lunch I had a poached egg because there was nothing else ‘easy’ and I didn’t feel like defrosting beans from the freezer. That’s just laziness on my part.
I don’t do enough with the kids. Partly that’s because it’s too damn hot, but I can’t really use that as an excuse because we have a membership to the nicely air-conditioned Children’s Museum and we haven’t gone in a long time. I just get into these ruts because it’s hard to get them moving in the morning, and then Mellow takes a nap and I don’t want to be out too close to naptime, and then after she wakes up there’s usually only about two hours before Will gets home from work, so I feel like that’s not enough time to go anywhere (even though in reality it is).
I’d like to be more social. I see my best friend almost weekly, but most of my other adult interactions are on facebook, and since I don’t like typing on my phone, I don’t participate in that many discussions in my groups. I’d like to go out more often (and take Will out more often!) but we run into babysitting issues, and I don’t like to spend money.
I know that in order to change my life, I have to change myself. I know it takes time. I know I need to force myself to do things. I know I have to reach down inside and find the motivation, but it’s just so hard to do, and it is so much easier to just float along and let life happen to me, happen around me, happen without my input or participation.