I love you, but we have some issues we need to resolve. Specifically, I’d like to address breastfeeding. I don’t mind breastfeeding you. Really, I don’t. But we do have some things we should discuss.
For example, there should be no reciprocity in breastfeeding. Just because part of my body is in your mouth doesn’t mean that part of your body needs to be in my mouth. I know you disagree, and that’s why you keep trying to shove your fingers in my mouth, but really, it’s not necessary. You don’t owe me anything. We are not trading.
Also, while we’re on that subject, I do have a dentist, and when I go to his office his hygienist cleans my teeth – with tools. Yes, that’s right, there are tools that are specifically designed to remove tarter. Now, I know you think you’re being generous and helpful, but there is no need for you to scrape my teeth when you shove your fingers in my mouth. Your fingernails are just not as good as the tools at the dentist’s office. And anyway, I prefer to have my teeth cleaned by a professional while NOT nursing anyone.
And yes, Mellow, I have lost weight. It’s the combination of breastfeeding, healthy eating, and chasing you and your sister around all the time. I noticed you’ve been keeping track of my weight loss, or at least that’s what I assume. That is what you’re doing (while nursing) when you grab the skin on my sides and knead it between your fingers, right? Monitoring my weight? I can’t think of any reason to pull skin off my ribcage and pinch it other than measuring subcutaneous fat. Are you keeping track somewhere? Because that’s actually kind of rude.
Also, my sweetheart, I know you’re agile. I know you can climb anything and you have decent balance for a fourteen month old. You don’t have to prove it by doing yoga while nursing. Yes, I am impressed that you are already an expert at the downward dog pose. Maybe you can show me sometime when your mouth isn’t on my boob? Maybe you can do it without using my breast for support? Same with your other yoga poses. It’s great that you can stand on my leg with one foot in the air and kind of twist your body around, but maybe save that for after you’re done nursing.
When you were a tiny baby, breastfeeding was so calming and sweet. You’d look up at me with those sleepy eyes and latch on with that tiny (and toothless!) mouth, and then you’d drift off into a milk-drunk state of bliss while snuggled in my arms. I remember those days. I know those days are over, and I don’t want them back. I’d just kind of like to put an end to the full on Toddler Yoga Combat Nursing. Maybe tone it down a little, and maybe keep your hands (and sharp little fingernails) to yourself.
Thank you for your consideration.