Parenting tips from Mellow’s Mom

People ask me for parenting advice sometimes. I’m not sure why, since I’m usually the one carrying a screaming kid out of a public place, and I certainly wouldn’t want advice from me.  It would be different though, if Mellow were my first born.  I would have had awesome advice to give to my fellow struggling new parents.  Observe:

Question:  Dear Melinda, my child is a picky eater. I can’t get her to try new foods. What should I do?

Answer: Have you tried offering her the food? That always works for me.  Just hold it out to her, she should eat it.

Question: Dear Melinda, I’m trying to get my baby to sleep through the night. What should I do?

Answer: Trying laying her down.  If she is in a horizontal position, she should sleep just fine.

Question: But what if she wakes up in the middle of the night?

Answer: A simple pat on the back and a soft whisper of ‘go back to sleep’ should do the trick.

Question: Dear Melinda, oh potty training guru, my child has terrible poop blowouts that get all over the place. What should I do? I’m so tired of cleaning poop off her clothes.

Answer: I’m so glad you asked.  There’s a simple fix: when your child gives off signals that they want to do their once daily poop, just put them on the potty.  Easy as pie.  Of course, you’ll have to clean out the potty, but that’s not so bad.

Question: Dear Melinda, teething is horrible.  My baby cries so much and seems to be in pain. How can I help her?

Answer: Have you tried picking her up? That’s my go-to move.

As you know, however, Wildling was born first.

Question:  Dear Melinda, my child is a picky eater. I can’t get her to try new foods. What should I do?

Answer: Find something she likes. Anything.  If she likes one food at all, feed her that. All the time.  Soon you’ll end up with a toddler who eats nothing but cold pasta with garlic salt on it, but that’s ok, because at least you know she’s eating something.

Question: Dear Melinda, I’m trying to get my baby to sleep through the night. What should I do?

Answer: I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with this concept.  Can’t help. S-l-e-e-p?  Even if I sound it out, I don’t recognize that word.

Question: But what if she wakes up in the middle of the night?

Answer: Do you mean the exact middle of the night? And do you mean that’s the only time she wakes? Give her effusive praise for not waking up every hour-and-a-half.  Tell her you love her and beg her to repeat the behavior sometime, anytime, please please please, even one more time.

Question: Dear Melinda, oh potty training guru, my child has terrible poop blowouts that get all over the place. What should I do? I’m so tired of cleaning poop off her clothes.

Answer: Hey, this one I can get.  Let her run around in a diaper.  Watch carefully – when she heads for the corner of the living room that you should designate ‘poop corner,’ wait for her to finish, and clean her right away. The freshest messes are the easiest.

Question: Dear Melinda, teething is horrible.  My baby cries so much and seems to be in pain. How can I help her?

Answer: If you breastfeed, you need to come up with a way to keep your boob permanently lodged in her mouth.  That’s the only way. If you don’t breastfeed, I guess stick a boob in her mouth anyway? She just needs something big and soft to gnaw on.  Ignore the pain.  It’s better than the alternative, which is constant screaming, flailing, and never sleeping again.

 

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