I used to think that Wildling just doesn’t listen to me, but I realized something: she does listen. Unfortunately, there is some kind of translation circuit in her head that is processing what I say in the wrong way. After studying this phenomena, I have discovered the following common translation errors:
I say: Please put your shoes on so we can go to the store.
She hears: Please get your heavy winter boots because it is only 110 degrees outside. And also, please try on every single sock in your drawer so that you can have the perfect unmatching pair to wear under your heavy boots.
I say: Eat your dinner, please.
She hears: I have poisoned one item of food on your plate. You must poke at all of it suspiciously, then start crying and demand new food (unless you want to eat it and risk being poisoned).
I say: Quit messing with your sister.
She hears: I’m paying attention to your sister now. If you want me to pay attention to you instead, please knock Mellow over and take her toys away.
I say: Hey, that’s Mellow’s toy. Give it back to her!
She hears: That’s Mellow’s toy – unless you can take it from her hand and keep it out of her reach for five seconds. Then it becomes yours and you can have it forever.
I say: I’m trying to get your sister to fall asleep.
She hears: I fear your shrieking skills are waning. Can you please practice them right now?
I say: Seriously, get out of this room! I am trying to get your sister to sleep!
She hears: There are a lot of electronic noise-making gadgets in here. Will you please test the batteries and the volume control on all of them right now?
I say: I have a pounding headache.
She hears: Headaches are monsters that live inside our heads. Please be a hero and scare this one away by yelling in my ear as loud as you can.
I say: Bathtime!
She hears: You will win a prize if you can succeed in getting more water outside the tub than there is in it. A really big prize. Possibly a pony.
I say: Bedtime! You need to get in bed now!
She hears: I am going to lock you in a dark room so the rest of us can have awesome-happy-party-fun-time in the living room. If you come out of the bedroom at least ten times, we’ll give up and you can join us.
I say: I love you, Wildling.
She hears: You can get away with all of the translation disasters as discussed above (and more!), because I love you and will forgive you no matter what.